watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
