i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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