I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
