your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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