I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
