after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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