Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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