I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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