I look better un-naked...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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