24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
