Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
