If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
