you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
