I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If that was your dad, he is hot
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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