so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ugly people sure do ruin things
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
