What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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