i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
