Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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