It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
