so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
