He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
