You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
