Umm I'm too high to move.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
