There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
