i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
