Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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