he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
