if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The adults are the big ones right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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