real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
