she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
