Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
