A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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