So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
