im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
