I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
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