I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
