she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
