Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
