I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
