I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
