Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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