the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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