barbara walters just said penis...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
