Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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