i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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