Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
