he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
