My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
