i think my tv is drunk
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
