i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
