dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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