that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
