It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
