wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
