I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
