You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
