He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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